While most people in the world are hooked on watching a series on Netflix or Amazon Prime or Disney now more than ever, I still cannot find time to commit because of other stuff that fills my day. There’s nothing wrong with me, or maybe there is really something wrong with me. I guess the real reason why I don’t give in to the temptation of more screen time is because I am too scared that my impatient self won’t be able to stop once I start, and I cannot afford the consequences of that.
Two weeks ago, I was listening to a podcast while driving to pick up something, and in two separate podcasts, there were mentions of this Amazon Prime series “This Is Us” and how they were talking about how they are now hooked on it. Out of curiosity, I asked Seth to put it on TV that night and that I wanted to read the synopsis. We ended up watching the first episode together.
Towards the end of that first episode, I found myself crying, and I sought comfort from Seth’s embrace. Jack and Rebecca, a couple in their early ’30s, were expecting their first baby or should I say babies, as they were pregnant with triplets! Unfortunately, they lost the third one during delivery. Despite delivering the other 2 babies safely, I felt their grief for losing a child, and connected deeply with their sorrow. That scene brought back so much pain that still feels so raw – pain that has never left me since 21 years ago.
From the time I said ‘yes’ to Orly, I knew I wanted to have kids. Since we started trying to have a baby, it took us more than 6 months to get pregnant. My polycystic ovaries and retroverted uterus made it a bit tricky to conceive, but finally the great news came that one fine day, and we were overjoyed!
I started to take better care of myself, and Orly started to talk and sing to our precious one every night. I started to dream big and to imagine our family of 3. I was so happy and excited, but at the same time, scared and a bit overwhelmed. At 23, I was often thinking to myself, am I ready to be a mother; am I capable of being one? But on that day when the doctor confirmed my pregnancy, my heart leapt with joy! I was grateful to have been given that most precious gift! That day, I knew that I might not be ready yet, but to have felt that connection to the life of that tiny being inside of me, I know in my heart that I am capable to be a mother and to give love unconditionally.
Sadly, the joy that we felt that day didn’t last long. During our next visit to our doctor, we were asked to proceed to the ultrasound room. The technician who was operating the machine was staring for a long time at the monitor while moving the doppler across my belly, and pressing harder and harder. She had a long pause and then did another round and moved it across my belly once again, and asked me if something unusual happened to me. I said no, nothing that I would call unusual. She typed in some words and told us to go back to the doctor and that my doctor will be the one to read the results to us. That didn’t feel right and I just held on to Orly’s hand so tight. The doctor then broke that awful news! They were not able to detect any heartbeat. My whole body felt numb and I didn’t hear the next words that she said. I was utterly devastated and so was Orly. I just felt the tears falling down my face. We had so many questions in our minds and I don’t think we’ll ever get the answers to those questions ever. We went home that afternoon and found comfort in each other’s arms. I remember my dad and my mom visited us the same day at our small rented apartment and tried to console me as I just lay there on our bed, crying ’til I fell asleep. We went back to the hospital the following day for an emotional D&C procedure. I spent 2 months after that on maternity leave. In those 2 months, there were more crying and grieving – grieving for two lives: the one that was in my tummy and the life that I was so looking forward to. It took a while before we got the courage to try to have a baby again.
After a year and a half, I delivered a healthy baby boy! It was definitely one of the best days of our lives! Keith came and changed our lives forever. Throughout the pregnancy, you could probably imagine how paranoid I had been. His every kick and turn made me utter words of praise and gratitude, and to finally carry him in my arms was pure joy. Orly had been telling me that Keith wasn’t ready yet before and that God made sure that he is strong before He gave him back to us. That thought should have allowed me to totally move on, but I guess the mother in me tells me that my baby, my first baby that was taken away from me, isn’t Keith and that ‘she’ will always be a part of me. 21 years after, I am still grieving for ‘her’ loss and for not being able to experience life with ‘her’. I have stopped blaming myself a long time ago and the blessings given to us in Keith and Seth are more than enough to make me feel whole again. I know that I have been healed but I know too that ‘she’ will never be forgotten.
I didn’t have any gender preference during those early days of pregnancy, so I really don’t have a vision in my mind of how ‘she’ must have looked like. I guess after having 2 boys, that was when I referred to my baby as a ‘she’, as my baby girl – the baby that I didn’t get to see. I have been telling my boys on occasions when they see me cry that she is their older sister – our dear angel. That night when that first episode has triggered that depth of despair and as I was being comforted by Seth, I just know I had to give her a name. And so that night, I named my baby Liv – a name that will represent her perfectly. She might not have seen this world nor experience the life that we have, but she will always live in my heart as long as my heart is beating.
To my little angel Liv,
I am sorry that we had to say goodbye even before we said hello.
It wasn’t you who was not ready yet then, but it was me. I wasn’t ready yet to take care of someone who was too beautiful, too precious for this world, and for that, I am so sorry.
Today, I wanted to thank you for letting me experience so much joy… the overwhelming joy of being your mom even for a very short time… the joy of dreaming big because of so much love that I have felt for you from day 1… the joy of wanting to be the best person I can be. You prepared me to have a bigger heart, a mother’s heart that is capable to give love without expecting something in return.
I loved you my daughter Liv from the moment I knew you were there, and every beating of my heart says you will always be loved and remembered.
Love,
Mommy
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