Because she’s a mother

Over the past few months, motherhood has been defining new boundaries for me. It’s like entering an unfamiliar territory which can be scary at times. Just like most inevitable changes in life, what I came to see is that I just need to master what this space has to offer, embrace it and find new ways to define happiness and self-worth in this area of mothering teens.

For the first time, Seth has been away from me for 2 weeks, having been given the chance to join an international soccer competition in Spain. He has been working hard , training and playing for 4 to 5 times a week. His passion and commitment for the sport that he loves earned him the opportunities that are being presented to him now. We are truly happy and proud of our bunsoy, but to be out of my sight for that long, to spend time in another country without us, was a thought that has worried me more and more as the date of the trip drew closer. Thank heavens, Orly decided last minute to take some days off from work to travel with Seth. He managed to have the courage to squeeze in the cost into our budget, and we found some means of somehow assisting us financially. There have been belt-tightening measures and extra hours of work to earn a little bit more, but if that is the price we had to pay for our peace of mind and to show support for our son’s dream, then that was all worth it. It turned out to be a great experience for Seth and for Orly as well. Seth not only grew as a player but he came home with bigger dreams.

The bond that they shared as father and son is something that money cannot buy. In those 2 weeks that they were away, I realised that we can only support them and prepare them for the future the best way we know how and when the time comes for them to spread their wings, we should step back and watch them with smiles on our faces, knowing that they are ready and that they will be well.

Those 2 weeks turned out to be a great opportunity for me and Keith to strengthen our bond too. Keith has grown up differently to the ever so bubbly little boy. He was the life of every party when he was younger and always ready to volunteer to sing and dance for everybody. He loved talking a lot, read tons of books and was a natural foodie. He envisioned his future self quite differently from other kids. At the age of 5, when asked, he’d say that he wanted to become an author, a singer or a food critic when he grows up.

As years passed, he turned out to be a shy, quiet, reserved boy, intelligent, sensitive and kind-hearted. He is a boy who doesn’t want to be told what to do and prefers to discover things on his own. He refuses the concept of structure and rigid rules. He is responsible and knows what is expected of him, but most of the time chooses to sail on at his own pace and ways.  A certified crammer who works best under the pressure of a deadline. Growing up in a culture different from what is familiar to me, the way he thinks does not always align with my thoughts. There are instances where I find the mood swings and the choice of words with which he expresses himself as hurtful and at times offensive but I learn to blame it now on puberty and rapid bursts of testosterone, generation gap and cultural differences. The more I try to understand him, the more I see my teenage self in him and the realisation that we are very similar in so many ways when I was his age gives me comfort. I know better now to give him space and let him be – well, at least I try harder now. He is my son, and he will be alright. Keith is now 16, already earning some money through reffing on weekends, on top of learning how to drive. He has also now started shaving. He has matured a lot in the past year – a young lad with strong sensible opinions, who is now more sociable and comfortable with sharing his talents and himself to people that he trusts. In those 2 weeks, we went shopping together, explored new restaurants, shared his playlist in a long 3 hour drive to a weekend getaway and just enjoyed a more relaxed time of togetherness. It was priceless.

Also during those magical 2 weeks, I have been surrounded by friends who are so kind to offer me company while Orly and Seth were away. Some of my girlfriends spent a night at our place. We had so much fun, doing what friends are supposed to do at sleep-over parties – stay awake until 4am, bond and do all the fun stuff – and that for us means eating (a lot!), watching a Tagalog romance movie, sharing beauty secrets and newly discovered recipes, doing yoga together, and chatting all night about life. Keith and I also spent a long weekend on a trip with good friends, and we had a blast!

During those days and the past couple of weeks, I came to realise how blessed I am to have strong women in my life who share the journey of motherhood with me. I attempted to summarise here their different circumstances, the varied challenges and pains, their joys and happiness, while keeping their anonymity. Through all the stories of their lives, there is one thing that I came to know – we all have one heart.

I have friends, who wish they know what is going on in the minds of their teens or young adults. It is sad to know how many small heartaches have accumulated in their hearts and how unmet expectations usually end up with exchanges of hurtful words. Some have already given up hope of bringing back mutual respect while living together under one roof, yearning for change, but when the time came when their teens decided to leave home to find the independence that they were longing for, their grief was inconsolable. They resist the sad situation of kids slipping away. They try to find answers to that universal question of despair ‘Where did I go wrong?’. As they try to go through acceptance and letting go, they learn to forgive and to ask for forgiveness no matter how hard it is. That is because they are mothers.

On days when I am physically drained, I draw strength from my friends who are single mums or who are separated from their husbands by physical distance. Such strong and courageous women who continue to live life, to go on and to choose love every single day. Their daily struggles must be twice as difficult than mine but they single-handedly manage to survive gracefully, so who am I to complain? They persevere. That is because they are mothers.

Every time I welcome old friends who just migrated here or bid goodbye to friends who choose to move inter-state or to another country, I pray that they be blessed with strength of heart and mind as I know the journey is never easy. The past months, I have been surrounded by some of these courageous women who uprooted their families from the comfort of home to find their own place in this world. Being able to witness their small successes brings me absolute joy. They choose to deny themselves of familiar pleasures in life, and yet, they never complain. That is because they are mothers.

Last month, I had the privilege of witnessing the greatest transformation of hearts. I have been touched by two women who are struggling emotionally, haunted by mistakes of the past, victims of circumstances. They chose to move forward, face each day boldly with humility and forgiveness.  They stripped themselves of anger, pride and all pretensions as they decide to put the welfare of their kids above all else.  They keep the hope burning in their hearts for complete healing and family preservation.  That is because they are mothers.

I remember a lot of sleepless nights nursing our baby Keith. He was prone to allergies and common flu and I couldn’t bear the sight of a small, defenseless baby, who could only express himself by crying. Many times, I felt helpless and just cried with him. A good friend of mine is now nursing her grown up boy who is fighting cancer. I can only imagine how difficult it is for her to even look at her son in pain while remaining calm, being his pillar of strength. She might have many questions in her mind and heart, but I know she is choosing to selflessly set them aside and instead focus on her daily task of nurturing her family and her beloved son with love and care. That is because she is a mother.

I always admire the hardworking mums who, despite their busy days, still manage to prepare meals for the family, drive the kids around to sports practice or other school activities, and still deliver what is expected of them from the many other hats that they wear. Strong women who do not mind any physical limitations or illnesses. That is because they are mothers.

There are also those special ladies in my life who are not mothers, either by choice or personal circumstances, but are joyful for every achievement or happy event in the lives of the children that they treated as their own, who shed a tear or two when these kids are in pain, and are always ready to offer prayers, words of wisdom and encouragement for every difficult situation that their ‘kids’ face. That is because they are mothers, in their own special way.

Then there are the women in their senior years like my mum whom I love the most, who after successfully raising their own kids, are now living the next chapter of their lives, enjoying retirement and the abundance of time at their command. After the many years of planning their days around the demands of their family and kids, they are searching now for the meaning of all this, now that the kids have left home and are busy raising families of their own. They are rediscovering their purpose and reinventing themselves, but might still find it hard to accept this massive shift in their lives… That is because they are mothers.

If you can relate to one or more of the circumstances I laid out above, THANK YOU for sharing your story with me. We all have our own stories to tell, our own challenges to bear, but we are blessed to have each other. You might have shared your story with me and others as we all cuddled comfortably in our pyjamas, or while we were relaxing in a jacuzzi under the stars or in virtual private conversations not minding the different time zones that we are in. No matter how we’ve connected, I am grateful for having you all in my life. We support each other and we open our hearts with the hope that our own circumstances and learnings might help others. We are connected and we have one heart – a mother’s heart – a heart that knows no boundaries. Celebrate the mother that you are! You are a gift!

Today we also remember all the mothers who are now in a better place, but whose presence in our lives will never be forgotten.

Happy Mother’s Day!