Empty but Hopeful

For days now, I have been searching for peace, but I find emptiness. There were a couple of nights where I cried myself to sleep. It is dark and it is painful.

There are too many questions and I couldn’t find the answers. I feel trapped, frustrated, sad and empty.

There is the thought of losing friends close to my heart because of questionable trust and confidence. I cannot fathom the thought of having to doubt what I considered to be a great friendship and having to ask myself now, ‘Do I really know my friends, who they really are and what they are made of?’. I treat friends as my treasures and maybe that is why I expect the same love, respect, honesty from them. The possibility of having been treated wrongly and the inconceivable betrayal, directly or indirectly, intentional or not, truly breaks my heart. I am lost for words and I choose to be silent.

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”  – Martin Luther King

Then there is also the sad news of friends who have to move miles away in response to a better opportunity presented to them – friends whom we consider as our family here. I am happy for them as they embark on a new and exciting journey, but my heart questions ‘Why should there be goodbyes?’; ‘Why did our paths cross, only to be separated by distance?’. We all love them, and it will be different without them close by.

Our boys are still enjoying their summer break from school, but Orly and I are back to work. This time compared to last year, our boys are less dependent on mum and dad. They plan their days well and know better how to keep themselves busy with somewhat a better balance between gadgets and productive activities like playing basketball, table tennis, following a core workout video from YouTube, or jamming/playing music. I should be proud of them, and of course I am, but I feel emotional as they need me less and less each day. The long conversations about everything under the sun is now gone. I miss their long, tight hugs and kisses. I don’t know why these put tears to my eyes too the past few days. It might be hormonal or it comes with ageing, but one thing is for sure – I miss my babies.

Almost 7 years since we moved here, homesickness still keeps me awake at times. Not being physically beside my dad to take care of him as he suffers from shoulder pain, and missing bonding time with him, my mum, and my siblings become unbearable sometime. I miss my family and friends back home, and not being able to be with them physically when they are at their lowest pains me.

I am tired and I feel weak. I have been coughing for 5 days now and it triggered my asthma. My health made me stay in bed today. I know that it is easier to do things for others than to give to yourself, but this time my body is telling me that I should take better care of myself. I am reminded that I cannot give something that I do not have. My emotional stresses drain me physically and I know I have to be in control.

Emptiness might be a good place to be at this stage.  I cannot escape the impact of things and relationships that break and fall apart, but I can choose to feed my empty soul. Today, I chose just that. I had the chance to sit and stood still, listening to my breathing and to the silence that surrounded me – it spoke deep into my heart. Feeding my soul is being ready – ready to rest, to restore health, to reflect, to read, to be quiet, to gather inspiration, to process and understand my thoughts and feelings; each and every single one of them – anger, despair, joy, love, hatred. I can only hope that this emptiness will transform into something beautiful and forgiving, positive and trusting, joyful and hopeful, and in time, learn how to let go of all the clutter in my life and embrace only those that really matter.