Over the past unimaginably sad months, I’ve kept quiet. I prefer to listen to the whole range of voices that needs to be heard. With the many dark, devastating events that are happening around us, I find it hard to write down the words that will convey what is in my heart and in my mind. Today is different. Today, I found myself on a little blue boat with Orly and our boys, in the middle of the river, enjoying each other’s company as we celebrated a great dad on Father’s Day in this part of the world. While they were busy fishing, I was pouring out all my thoughts and emotions onto paper, trying to make sense of it all.
I am sad. Yesterday, we received an extremely sad news from home that my dear aunt, my mum’s sister is fighting for her life. She was rushed to the hospital, lifeless. She was revived but is still unconscious with unstable vitals. Her husband, the love of her life, still doesn’t know of the incident or her condition as he himself is confined to another hospital bed, due to a serious heart condition. And I can’t help but ask, isn’t it all way too much? The grief is just too much to bear.
This pandemic is preventing us to be physically present for each other especially during times like this, and the stress of being away from family is immense. Around mid-March, we were truly grateful to have Orly return home from the US just before the borders were closed and before the Australian government mandated hotel quarantine. Since then, Orly has been working following the Seattle time zone. To say that it has been physically and mentally challenging is an understatement, but it’s hard to complain given that his physical presence is that much of a gift. The weekends are the only days that we are able to go to bed at the same time. His warm embrace has been giving me comfort like I have never experienced in our 20 years of marriage.
Can we really be grieving and also be joyful? Can we feel so helpless and yet be hopeful and grateful? I think this is our new normal now. Perhaps, all the loss, pain, despair, and uncertainty sparks a stronger desire to really be present in our lives – to be more accepting and giving and loving. These past months, we are constantly being reminded of our mortality time and again. Every reminder solidifies the fact that certainty and time are not really necessary. We are here on this earth so briefly – there are no more guarantees. Life is fleeting and so we embrace the magic in the ordinary.
I try to practice mindfulness and I have been more present in the moment now more than ever. I have noticed the emergence of every leaf, each new flower that’s bloomed.
I have watched and admired the most beautiful sunsets. Each morning walk with Orly and Simba is always an opportunity to connect and bond.
I have noticed how my body grew stronger, being blessed with more time to take better care of myself through exercise and healthier eating. I am grateful for the security of a job that allows me to deliver and stay productive in the comfort of home, while having the flexibility that allows me to do my motherly duties for our two gentlemen.
Today on this little blue boat we broke the silence. We cried, we laughed, we reminisced, we opened up our hearts and our minds. We are here, not knowing what to expect tomorrow, but the comfort of family is more than enough. Today I am extremely sad, yet joyful. I feel helpless, yet hopeful. Weak, yet powerful. Today I celebrate life how we knew it and life as it is now. Life is short. Share compassion – the world needs it now more than ever.
Love this❤ Thanks for sharing 👍
I appreciate how you wrote your thoughts. Keep on sharing your thoughts and feelings. You have the gift of writing from the heart.