I Thought I Had Faith

I dread the unknown; anxiety drowns me. I consume my time entertaining fear and the many dark thoughts of what could possibly go wrong. I thought I had faith…

I say my prayers. I pray really hard. I know He listens, but I doubt if He heard me right. So I say the same prayer one more time. I thought I had faith…

I know my strengths. I also know that I am weak. I know He is always there to hold my hand, but I challenge His ways as they are not always  easy. I thought I had faith…

He knows who I am, He knows my heart, he knows my soul. I know He loves me, but does He really love the imperfect being that I am? I thought I had faith..

He blessed me with so many wonderful people and things. They all bring out the best in me, and for that, I am grateful. Yet sometimes I find myself yearning for something else. I thought I had faith….

With the recent events in my life and in the world,  I find myself believing I had faith, but in most cases contradicting the essence of that belief with my words and actions. A lot of things keep me awake at night the past few weeks, searching for answers I guess. Life events that one cannot easily decipher from what I share publicly on social media, and huge, difficult  decisions that we have to make – all inevitably part of living life. But am I really living life?

Today I decided to sit in silence, with my eyes closed, minding each and every breath – deep long breaths, stripping all pretensions and laying out all my fears. My thoughts wander, and I felt exhausted. In stillness I gave in. I am weak and there is so much that I cannot do nor change. Today, as winter comes to an end and the universe is gifted with the enticing beauty of spring, I decided to surrender everything that is dark and grey. Just as no one can stop the flowers from blooming, I decided to accept the things that I can’t control and to submit to the power that is much stronger than me.

I thought I had faith, and in silence I have found it. In the stillness, I got the sweet affirmation that I do. I am weak but my faith keeps me stronger. With my whole being, I surrender – it is liberating; it is wonderful.

Here’s a little prayer for you and me, that we may keep grounded in faith, stronger than ever. Please pray for me as I pray for you…

When fear creeps in, may we find faith to embrace things as they are.
May we pause, be silent, and listen – really listen.
May we acknowledge that we are weak and surrender.
May we forgive ourselves and others and find the courage to move on towards the direction of peace.
May we utter words of gratitude for every person in our lives, and may we recognise each blessing that is sent our way.
Instead of fearing what could go wrong, may we start to imagine what could go right.
May we choose compassion over anger, love over hatred, faith over fear… ALWAYS.
 
May God bless us all.