Moving On

There are times when you want to slow down… when your mind longs for solitude and peace, and your body craves for rest, but you just can’t afford to shift gears or change your course until you hit a wall. I know how it feels, and I don’t want to go back into that dark hole.

EXHAUSTED.  That word might not be enough to describe how I felt for more than a month. I was drained physically, mentally, emotionally.  Slowly recovering from that horrible state is just liberating!

It was a Monday morning. We received a message from home that my mother-in-law was in a critical condition. There were no words to comfort Orly that day and the only right thing to do was to book the earliest flight home for him so he can be beside his mother.I can imagine how scared Nanay

would have been with all that she was going through. She was suffering, and it hurts imagining her in that condition.  She is a beautiful person and she didn’t deserve to endure the pain.  Having Orly beside her, her ‘bunsoy’ (youngest child), to hold her hand and comfort her during those grueling days would help ease the pain. I cannot ascertain how, but being a mother myself, I just know that a mother’s heart would leap for joy, and every kind of pain would go away, just with a touch of a hand or just to hear the voice of her child, especially in that condition.  He was booked for the first flight home on the following day.

Meanwhile, at mid-day of the same day, I got a call from school. Seth was not well and was in sick bay the whole morning.  I was able to pick him up amidst a very busy day at work, and when I saw him, I was glad I did. He was running a fever and just slept in the car on our way home.  Truly, an eventful Monday, or should I say, an eventful week…

Orly left the following morning and Seth was sick. The next day, Keith also caught the bug. And the day after that, all 3 of us were in bed, coughing, sneezing and sharing a thermometer. We barely touched our food, slept for hours on end and only woke up every time we heard the sound of the alarm that signaled medicine times. In those days when my boys were sick, I knew that my body was telling me something too, but I had to ignore it. I had to travel to the city for a 2-day conference that I organised. I am not sure now how I managed to deliver my presentation and pull off a successful event given my awful situation, but I somehow survived! All I know is that there were angels in disguise who helped me through it all and I am blessed to have them in my life!

Then came the weekend and we all conditioned ourselves and strived to be well for Seth’s choir concert.  He wanted to perform so badly, and I think that determination was enough to get us back on our feet.  The choir gave a great performance and afterwards, he said that he sang for Nanay.  My heart melted. From the day Orly left for home, he was constantly updating us of Nanay’s condition.

He went straight to the hospital from the airport, and didn’t leave her side.  I felt the pain from his messages and from his voice.  He couldn’t bear to see her in that state, slowly fading away. That night he told me that she wasn’t responding to her medications anymore. That same night, I decided with my heart. The boys wanted to see Nanay, we all wanted to be able to hug her and to tell her how much we loved her.  I wanted to be beside my husband, to comfort him and to verbalise, from a mother’s point of view, what Nanay might not have been able to tell him.  I am still feeling very weak, but I know I had to move fast.  I booked our flight for the next day. It was almost 3 o’clock in the morning when I finished packing and cleaning up. After 4 hours of on and off sleep, the alarm went off.  Yes, time was ticking and time is precious…

We landed in Manila at 6 in the evening, Sunday.  As soon as I switched on my phone, I saw Orly’s messages. We were 2 hours late… Nanay was gone! I burst into tears and the emotions were so powerful.  All I could do was to hug Keith and Seth tight as they too were drowning in tears. I felt for the boys who were very eager to hug her. I was angry and frustrated as time wasn’t on our side.  I wanted to call her ‘Nanay kong maganda!’ (my beautiful mother)and somehow I was hoping to see some signs that she could hear

me.  She always smiled when she hears me call her by that name and she never failed to respond back with ‘manugang kong maganda’ (my beautiful daughter-in-law) in her very sweet tone… those words, coming from her are music to my ears. A simple affirmation of the love that binds me with a very special lady who I got to call my Nanay. I wanted to be beside Orly, to comfort him, but we were too late…

We mourned for the loss of our dear Nanay with the family that week.  It was great to be surrounded by family and friends in those difficult times. We stayed for a week and flew back after the funeral with heavy hearts. The moment we landed, the feeling got worse. I felt a sense of longing for something, for someone. It suddenly hit me that we were here, all by ourselves again. That night, Seth came to our room, crying miserably. ‘I miss Nanay! I love her very much!’ He said that he can’t sleep because he can’t stop thinking of Nanay. For almost 2 weeks after we arrived, Orly and I got sick again.  I think our bodies gave in to fatigue, stress and the loneliness.

EXHAUSTED… there was that word again….

Nanay might have felt that way too during her last days here on earth, but she did not have much of an option.  She was offered a gift… a gift of eternal peace.  Now there is no more pain, just pure joy – something that she truly deserves.

As for us, we have chosen to listen to our tired bodies.  Due to sickness, we were forced to take some time off work to recover.  We are trying our best to relieve our minds and spirits of stress and anxiety. We have chosen to move on with a trusting heart, always grateful for the memories of the past and always hopeful for the future.

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We long for solitude to calm the body, mind and spirit, but your company strengthens us.

Orly and I would like to thank the angels in our lives:

Philip, Ana and Mommy Edna – thank you for taking care of Seth the day when he was sick. You saved my life that day!

My friends at work : Sandra, Duncan, James, Kylie and Kylie – you are the best! I couldn’t ask for more. Thanks for your understanding and support.

Elmer and Joy – thank you for driving us to the airport. With me just half-awake that morning, you really made it bearable!

Sales family – for spending half a day of their precious holiday in the Philippines to walk alongside us as we lay Nanay to her final resting place.  We appreciate your time and sympathy.

For my family, Daddy, Mommy, Tita Tess, Neil and Angelique – thank you for taking care of us during our stay! Seeing you all and being able to spend time with you is always precious.

To all our familes, relatives and friends who shared their time and sympathy with us, thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

Keith’s gift for Nanay, honouring her 89 fruitful years.

Vocals by Orly, Keith and Seth