After months of being quiet on this platform, I still can’t find the right words to write that might inspire anyone who’d stop by to read. I haven’t had the courage to pause and really examine what is deep in my heart through all of what is happening in the world. Last Sunday, I faced a big rock and I guess I had no choice but to give in to the inevitable.
I was driving home from the grocery store where I collected our supply for the week that I ordered online, when all of a sudden, I just felt such overwhelming emotions of sadness, of longing, of despair. The tears came rolling down my face and all I could do was to give in to my emotions and let the tears flow. I wanted to share positivity today and contribute to the balance of life, but I’d rather keep quiet than sharing something that is unreal. So here I am, baring my heart and my soul, overwhelmed with the world – I have not been okay the past days.
This week we have seen the highest number of cases in NSW since the pandemic began. Almost 1,500 new cases yesterday and more deaths. Where can you draw positivity to combat that? It might have been seeing an empty café on a Sunday morning that hit me that day, which just alienated me more to the life as we knew it. I had to stop by with my cart full of groceries to buy a cup of tea, before heading to the almost empty car park. That day, stopping by for that cup of tea gave me the comfort of something familiar but at the same time, it is the smallest gesture of compassion that I can do for the suffering small businesses in our community.
Pulling off from the car park, the image of my uncle from the video call we had with our family back home the night before flashed through my mind. He was in bed, struggling to breathe, rejecting all medical care that is being offered to him at home. That image of agony stuck in my mind, but behind the pain, I saw in his eyes that he came to peace with his fate and was ready to move on to a better place.
During that short 15-minute drive home, every single pain and despair and disappointment that I’ve encountered the past year just came back to me. I wasn’t able to contain my emotions and it broke me. When I reached home, I tried to calm myself before getting out of the car, taking in long, deep breaths. The tears stopped and emotions concealed (again) and I went on with life. I unloaded the groceries from the back of the car, and Orly came to help. While we were sorting the stuff in the pantry, I just had to pull him close to me; it turns out I couldn’t hold it down. I needed some comfort, and so I hugged him tight, and sobbed like a baby. Confused as to what was happening, he asked me “Why, what’s wrong?” and I was just able to utter these words “I am just sad, very sad.” He didn’t say a word, but the silence and the warmth were all that I needed in that moment. My uncle passed away that night. It wasn’t from COVID, but he is one of the millions of casualties of this pandemic. He couldn’t be admitted to the hospitals in their town as they were at full capacity, with priority given to COVID patients. He was a good, kindhearted man and surely he didn’t deserve to die like that.
Almost every day, there have been images of candles posted on our social media by friends to share the passing of a loved one. There are no words to express how sorry we are for their losses. Too many dreams have been shattered, people are struggling financially, more casualties of war and calamities, uncertainty all around. I try to stay positive and focus on the sunshine, the beautiful sunset and the rainbows of life; I try to flood my social media feeds with finding joy in the ordinary and in celebrating life and the small successes in the hope that by doing so, I get to inspire at least one person on the planet. I try to be present in the moment as much as I can, but it is proving to be more and more challenging as days go by. That Sunday morning, my emotions ruled. I had to pause and acknowledge with no judgement, the fact that I am hurting and that I am not okay.
The pause that I had that Sunday morning was a much-needed one, and so was that quiet comfort that I received from my husband. The acknowledgement that I am not in a best place is liberating and empowering at the same time. I am grateful for the times when we have meaningful conversations with our boys where we get a glimpse of how they are coping in their own bubbles. The walks with Orly and Simba have been the highlight of most of my days. The video calls with families and friends have also been priceless. All of these social interactions keep us sane and connected in ways we can never imagine, and I know that the love of the people around me gives me enough reason to aim to be in a better state of mind and heart and to try to continue to find the silver lining in all of these every single day.
This is day 40 of practicing my morning meditation. I am building a new habit and dedicating 10-15 minutes of my day to focus the mind and become more aware, more present, more grateful. I’ve seen incredible results by just showing up every morning. It calms my mind, starts my day in gratitude and sets the intention of compassion for myself and for others. I can’t recommend this enough.
Today I would encourage you to press that pause button and examine how you feel. Are you okay? I may not have all the answers to all your questions, as I don’t have all the answers to mine, but I have all the time to listen to you and to assure you that it is okay not to be okay. Sometimes all we needed is the comfort of knowing that someone is walking with us on the same path.
“I’m not okay, you’re not okay and that’s okay.”
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
I miss being out on the beach and being under the sun, so I am setting that vision in my mind and I’ll start to walk with the sand under my feet and the gentle breeze of the wind blowing through my hair, the soothing sound of the waves whispering that all will be okay. Walk with me and we’ll pick up all the colourful stones and extraordinary shells that we see along the way and throw all the ugly ones in the water. I look forward to us reaching the other side with a jarful of goodness that life offers us every single day, with more positive minds and more grateful hearts. Pause. Listen to your heart. Let’s start walking.
I feel you, marekoy Donna. I was in the same state two weeks ago as you are now. I was overwhelmed with so many things going on around me. I got so much in my mind, wanted to do so many things at the same time but ended up getting frustrated with myself that, at the end of the day, I felt I did not achieve much. And then, I thought maybe, this is just one of those perimenopausal symptoms because I am in that phase of my life now. Maybe you are too, IDK 🙂 Nevertheless, I know that I have to learn to accept my limitations, that I’m not some Superwoman and the likes. But I call myself “a work in progress.” 💜
Thanks for sharing this ‘sad’ moment in your life. Once in a while, we really need to pause. And yes, it’a okay not to be okay. Take care always, mare. Love you.
Thanks mare for stopping by, I appreciate your time and for sharing your vulnerability. Yes, it could be the hormones and everything around us these days. We haven’t been prepared for this magnitude of a change in our lives. I guess there is no way but to find a way how we can move forward at our own pace, but we need to pause and acknowledge our feelings, or fears, our pains, all that what we can and cannot change, and not to be too hard on ourselves. Thanks for always being there, despite the distance. I am here for you and the girls, you know that. Take care. I love you.