Purpose

It was a rainy Tuesday night, Seth’s soccer training got cancelled and was instead replaced by a session at the gym. That means I have an hour and a half to spend in the car while I wait for my very determined soccer boy. I actually didn’t mind the wait as I had to work on my presentation for an important meeting at work the following morning. I turned my laptop on and while waiting for it to boot up, I stared at my windshield, watching the raindrops as they slid down, until they were gone from my sight.

The gloomy weather made me sad! Rain always makes me sad! I tried to rationalise it before, and I came to a conclusion that it was because of a lonely childhood memory – not being allowed by my protective parents to play on the streets with my cousins and my friends in the neighbourhood every time it rained, afraid that I might get sick.

I understand and respect their concern but I still remember how sad it was to watch my playmates from my bedroom window while they play in the rain. That memory got stuck in my subconscious mind I reckon, triggering the sad emotions every time I hear the dripping sound of rain. That Tuesday night though, I know it wasn’t just the rain that was dragging me down. My heart was telling me something… or rather the lack of something, and I found myself that night in the car, spending more than an hour, watching the rain and entertaining the emptiness in that cold, gloomy night.

There were days when I reach out to my teenage boy, attempting to connect and understand his world better, but as the days go by, I feel the growing distance. I sometimes take it personally and I get hurt, but I feel better when he says sorry and when he tells me that it is not always about me. As much as I am learning how to mother a teen, Keith is also learning how to reveal himself to us, his unique individuality, raw yet so complex, young yet so deep. The sad truth is that the moulding part is over. I am still learning how to say less and to listen more, to be less controlling and be more connected, to let go a little more each step of the way while always being ready to give guidance when needed. This road can be messy and chaotic, difficult and painful, and so I pray for patience and trust, wisdom and love.

I have a full-time job, and I am grateful for all the challenges that come my way. I see them as opportunities to learn. My role is to manage change and to make people in the organisation want to embrace change. It is not an easy feat, believe me, especially if you yourself prefers to hold on to what is comfortable and familiar. The realisation that the only constant is change helped me to somehow make each journey towards change worthwhile. Yesterday, I was given an award as recognition for my the valuable contributions to the company. It made me happy, that’s for sure. To be appreciated is always a wonderful thing, but it didn’t fill the gap that I am feeling inside. For weeks now, I was telling myself that there should be a greater purpose that is waiting for me and I can’t wait to uncover that. A friend who knows what’s going on in my mind and in my heart forwarded me a link to Oprah’s video where she talked to the students of Stanford Graduate School of Business and this message really resonated with me: “We are all seeking for the same thing – the highest, truest, expression of yourself as a human being.”;  “Align you personality with your purpose and nobody can touch you”. What a beautiful way to perfectly describe our pursuit of purpose in life and I couldn’t agree more.

Keith and I are on our own journeys of seeking for that supreme moment of destiny that would define us. Today, we chose to take small steps towards realising our own purpose. Keith applied for a casual job to gain experience and to have a taste of responsibility and independence and he was scheduled for an interview today. I, on the other hand, submitted my application this afternoon for a volunteering job where I’ll be visiting older people to assist them on how to use a tablet for their daily convenience and to stay connected with their loved ones. These steps are definitely outside our comfort zones, but we feel one thing in common – excited and delighted for an opportunity to welcome change, to grow with that change and to be one step closer to living a more purposeful life.