Your Purpose Is Now

Brokenhearted. Grieving. Angry.

That was me a couple of weeks ago after receiving a very sad news back home about the sudden passing of a dear cousin. I saw her healthy and radiant just two months ago when she celebrated my brother’s wedding with us back home and now she is gone! This sorrow, yet again, is a profound reminder that no matter how much thought and effort we put into our every move, into our daily lives, we are not and will never be in control. Amidst the grief, I uttered this prayer again and again: “Dear God, please make me at ease with not knowing, free me from the many fears of uncertainties, open my heart, open my mind, lead me.”  Somehow, the anger and the fear subsided. I knew He heard me, but the pain still remains. I will miss her and the constant casual messages on social media that has kept us connected all these years, that’s for sure, but I am counting on His promise of salvation and in the power of time to heal all wounds.

Reconciling. Accepting. Continuing.

If there is one lesson that this grief has taught me, it is to live and be present, because it is only when we are truly present that we get the awareness of our being, and it is only then when we are aware that we realise that we are given a gift – a gift of the present and to find joy in every single thing that comes our way; freeing ourselves from the shadow of the past by forgiving others but more importantly by forgiving ourselves; liberating ourselves from worrying about tomorrow, as tomorrow will take care of itself. This is not easy… NEVER easy, and we always have to be reminded. I myself have been struggling to be fully present because of the many circumstances that did happen in my life for the past 6 months.

Extreme joy, despair, longing, pain, bliss– emotions that most of the time have been too huge for me to contain. I’ve been wanting to pause and process my thoughts and be able to write about them for months now, but every single time, I have been  overwhelmed by what’s happening in my world and the words just don’t flow. Today I woke up early, and this beautiful autumn morning brought about a breeze of inspiration and so I sit at the far end of our dining table, facing the backyard, waiting for the sun to shine, with a pen in my hand, attempting to reach down into my soul.

I AM GRATEFUL. Truly grateful.

My heart is overflowing with gratitude and I am blessed because as overwhelming the past months have been, I was able to recognise most of the joyful moments that came my way and I was able to celebrate each one of them. I am also equally grateful for all the painful and difficult circumstances, as I was able to cry over them, grieve and move on.

Before the year ended, I was able to launch a new business online and successfully introduced my products to a new market in collaboration with a dear friend. I have worked thoughtfully and so passionately to create my brand that it didn’t feel like I am working at all. To see all the bits and pieces coming together gave me so much joy. To be able to create something beautiful and to be able to share it to the world, to share a bit of my heart, is a blessing. With the reception that we got last year from our trial market, we know that we need to take this to the next level soon, and we are very excited.

During the last quarter of the year, health hasn’t been on my side and I had to undergo a minor surgery. I had not been my usual healthy self for months prior to the surgery, and the surgery itself has slowed down my pace for almost a month. It was physically, but moreso, emotionally and mentally draining and it took me a while to be at peace in acknowledging the fact that there is a force much greater than us – a force that is a blessing in disguise. God was telling me to slow down and to trust in His will, and so I did. I believe that with His grace, I will be completely healed.

Just before Christmas, we had the chance to go on a cruise again. It was like vanishing from earth for a few days, disconnecting from the world and finding ourselves reconnecting with each other in the middle of nowhere. We celebrated a lot of things on that cruise – our 19 years of marriage, Seth’s acceptance into the National Premiere League, Keith’s strong finish in Year 11 and also his victory against a recent heartbreak. I loved every minute of that trip and I know I would have to write another entry to share about it to the world.

Coming back from the cruise, we had to pack our bags again, this time for the much-awaited trip back home. After 8 long years, I was finally reunited with my sister and her family and we spent Christmas together. She lives on the other side of the world, and the different school calendars made it difficult to arrange holidays that will work for all. The wedding of our brother has made it all possible and I was extremely joyful. We are thankful for technology and we have been enjoying virtual conversations that were not possible decades ago, but nothing is more precious than being able to hug them all and see them face-to-face. I have the best sister in the world and I love her so dearly. I was amazed to see how my little sister has grown as a person, and I witnessed how graceful and composed she was in managing the demands of motherhood while staying sane being the wife of my brother-in-law (those who knows Ronald will understand what I mean :P).

They have raised their kids well and I adore them! Dylan instantly clicked with my boys and they bonded the whole time, enjoyed the same music and chatted about everything under the sun.

My ‘little sisterhood’ Raven drove me crazy with her wit and high energy levels, but I really didn’t mind. She is a darling and will always be my special dancing unicorn!!

During those 2 weeks, I tried to ground myself to experience every moment as they unfold and each one has been priceless. I can’t wait to see them all again.

My brother Neil married the love of his life, Gel, a few days after Christmas. That day was very special not only because our family was complete but because we have witnessed the union of two people who are deeply in love. We are so proud of the man he has become. Neil’s 2nd name is Patrick – you would have guessed straight away that he was born when Neil Patrick Harris’ Doogie Howser was a hit – but I fondly call him as ‘Fat’rick in the past for obvious reasons. I don’t think that name still suits him now, after losing more than 20 kilos in less than a year! Such an incredible achievement. He is an inspiration, a testament that you can achieve whatever you put your mind and heart into. So now, I am back to calling him Neil or Pat.

Neil and I have a huge age gap of 15 years. I was in 4th year high school then when my mom broke the news that she was pregnant and it gave me the shock of my life, which turned out to be the most pleasant surprise! While my classmates in college save some money from their allowances to buy a new pair of Tretorn shoes or Levi’s jeans, I save up to buy him toys. Most of the times, a Happy Meal from McDonald’s is more than enough to put a smile on his gorgeous face! Neil also calls me a special name. I am his darling, his one and only darling. I think I trained him well as soon as he started to talk. That’s one advantage of the huge age gap I suppose, but it also had some challenges. He was just 8 when I got married and had to leave home. We didn’t grow up together in one roof nor within the same decade, but Orly and I have been watching and supporting him from afar. We migrated to Australia even before he graduated college but we made sure that he feels our presence in his life.

Their wedding ceremony was solemn and the day has been a glorious one until it poured just when the guests were arriving at the garden reception. My heart melted as I watched the tears of disappointment rolled down my brother’s face. They have envisioned a perfect reception and they have prepared so much to turn that vision into reality. All the guests who love them dearly didn’t mind the rain and managed to still celebrate the special day with them under the roof of a smaller setting. It was after all a perfect union in an imperfect circumstance. I hope that they get to overcome the disappointment soon if they still haven’t yet, and get to acknowledge it as a perfect timing for a sweet reminder that life as we know it, isn’t perfect. It can be ugly at times but in every situation, we are presented with choices – a wrong choice can get us stuck in the mud, and it is always up to us how we pick ourselves up and make a right path out of that wrong turn. This is my favourite photo of them, their eyes beaming with joy and happiness – the same promise of the future ahead of them!

Before we headed back home, we celebrated another significant milestone with family and friends – Orly’s golden birthday. I had planned for it months before our trip, and with the help of our dear nieces, nephews and dear friends, we have been successful in surprising the golden boy. It was such a lovely evening of music, singing, dancing, food, heartfelt well-wishes and overflowing love for Orly. Planning a surprise is never easy but we pulled it off, and I will forever be grateful to everyone who has been so generous with their time and talents. The smile on his face the whole night made it all worth the effort. Orly has been a blessing to me and our little family, just as he has been a blessing to our bigger family and friends. I still sometimes find myself staring at him, watching him from afar, and falling in love over and over again. I know I will never stop thanking the Lord for giving me a husband 20 years ago, to love and to hold, until death do us part.

It has been a very eventful 3 weeks back home, but we love putting ourselves to extreme tests sometimes. Just before we can breathe, almost straight from the airport, we picked up our late surprise Christmas present for our boys – a puppy!! We promised them a puppy 4 years ago, and there is no greater feeling than being able to fulfill a promise and to see the smile on your kids’ faces. Who would have thought that this little creature would change our lives in a way I have never imagined?! He is a lot of hard work, I tell you, but he brings us so much joy! I can’t wait to share with you more about our daily adventure with our gorgeous boy, Simba!

Last month, I celebrated my birthday in a meaningful way. Orly was planning to organise a gathering with friends at home, but I told him that I wanted this year to be different. I joined World’s Greatest Shave with some colleagues at work where we coloured our hair to raise funds for the Leukemia Foundation. I also hosted a fundraising Girls’ Night In event with my dear friend Meldy for Cancer Council. Meldy is a cancer survivor and has been an inspiration to many. Anyone can be a victim of this dreadful disease. We might not have the cure in our lifetime but a little help might see a cure for our kids’ generation. With the generosity of dear friends, together, we have made other people’s life a little better.

All my life, I have been searching for a purpose, but I think all the recent highs and lows in my life made me stop the chase. I got to realise that the purpose of my life is to be truly present NOW. Tomorrow offers so much uncertainties and if we get to the point that whatever happens tomorrow won’t bog us down, then we have been successful in living a life of purpose. As I am writing this, I can never imagine tomorrow but that doesn’t worry me. I am okay with not being in control. I am okay with not knowing what will happen next – and that makes me feel so alive and free!

“Sometimes surrender means giving up trying to understand, and becoming comfortable with not knowing.” – Eckhart Tolle